How to Win a Psychic Duel

We've all seen Scanners. (If you haven't seen Scanners, I'm not talking to you. I'm mocking you from the depths of what passes for my soul and may attempt to make your head explode later with my awesome psychic powers... but I digress).

Should you find yourself in a situation where you have to enter into a psychic duel with another, here's a few things to keep in mind.

1) Telepathic powers don't always trump telekinetic powers. Keep in mind, a telekinetic can move things with his or her mind. That means - YOINK! - your brain can be pulled out through your nose. It's all about who thinks first.

2) Just 'cause you're a MENSA member doesn't mean you're going to be able to take down Jethro the Janitor.

3) Don't duel people with precognative powers if you can avoid it.

4) Try to disrupt your enemy's focus. Anything that kills a few of your foe's brain cells before you fight is a plus. Good options include:
- attacking after your foe has watched "American Idol"
- putting some cute kittens or puppies in line-of-sight. ("Aww... how cutAARRGGGH!!!!!" [head explodes])
- switch any caffeinated coffee/soda your target has with decaf

5) Crush your enemy's morale. Good options include:
- Wiping any saved music and "other data" on your enemy's hard-drive or iPod
- Use your mind-control powers to have your target's boy/girl-friend dump the target before the duel
- swap out any beer in your target's 'fridge with non-alcoholic beer
- switch any caffeinated coffee/soda your target has with decaf

6) Switch your target to decaf. I can't emphasize this enough.

7) Don't duel any high school outsiders who have been the target of any kind of bullying.

8) Don't duel any prepubescent kids with psychic powers. Period.

9) There is no such thing as "overkill".

10) Remember: bystanders are there to help you win your duel.

11) Dirty fighting gives clean victories.