How to Spot a Pirate

If you see any of these things:

* eyepatch

* parrot on the shoulder

* peg-leg

* cutlass

* bandoleer of pistols (or just a couple in a sash)

Odds are pretty good you're seeing a pirate.

If any of those are in combination with a gnarly beard, then it's almost a sure thing.

If the words "Arr" or "Avast!" come up in conversation, or there's a request for "grog" and "wenches", or a reference to timbers being shivered, then it's a sure thing.

What to do:

1) Step away slowly.

2) Load cannons.

3) Come along broadsides.

4) Fire.

This tactic is not a sure thing, but how many of us have real nautical experience?

I mean really?