The Real Danger

People have odd fears:

* Zombie apocalypse
* Pirates
* Ninjas
* Robot uprising
* Zombie gerbil hordes
* Dr. Phil (okay, that one isn't odd...)

The real danger lies elsewhere, my friends. I am here to tell you that you have been misdirected. The true threat has been obscured by these and other distractions (although I consider Dr. Phil a real threat).

What do we need to fear?

The sparkly unicorns of Candy-Wonder Land.

Oh yes.

You never considered it, did you? Sparkly unicorns. Who the hell would be afraid of such benign creatures? They're sparkly. They're unicorns. Unicorns are good, right?

Wrong!

The braying sound of a unicorn is said to strike fear and despair into the hearts of the bravest of souls.

And they really only hang around virgins.

Why virgins, you ask? Do you really want to know the answer to that nefarious question?

The sparkly unicorns. They come in all colors: blue, pink, lavender, turquoise, and others.

Their horns of sugary-sweet goodness hold diabetic death for all and their chocolate-brown eyes hide an evil wider and deeper than the greatest of oceans.

Their hordes gather. Fluffy tooth fairies. Santa Elves. Easter bunnies. All serve as foot-soldiers in the army of the sparkly unicorn horde.

Soon they will strike.

They're just waiting to figure out how to neutralize the flying monkey air brigade properly.

Then civilization as we know it is doomed.

You have been warned.