Kicking a meme in the kneecap

I don't understand the desire in fiction to become a vampire.

I get the whole wanting to be immortal and young forever thing. I really do.

But a vampire? Seriously?

Okay, let's get past the sparkly thing. In mythology, vampires were soulless monsters that - in western tradition - had to not only snack on the blood of humans (who, at the time, were not the most hygenic creatures walking the Earth), but had to avoid the rays of the dayball, sleep in grave dirt, got fried by holy water and crosses, couldn't cross running water, couldn't look in a mirror, and couldn't eat garlic.

No garlic.

Seriously... why would you want to live forever if you couldn't eat garlic? We're talking a quality of life issue here.

Oh, and if you're so vain that you want to live forever, what's the damn point if you can't look in a mirror to make yourself look good? Seriously, if you've taken such extreme steps that you've got to snack on folks, what's the point if you can't check yourself out to see if it's worth it?

And drinking people's blood... yeah. I know lots of people whose blood you don't wanna drink, even if you're undead and don't have to worry about stuff like diseases. Seriously.

Oh, and if you're a vampire in Chinese mythology, you have to hop in a straight line! You can't do corners! Seriously, you can't change freakin' direction!

Regardless of what traditional mythology you draw upon, if you're a vampire, you're undead. You don't have blood moving through your body. So... no hormones. No biological reactions. That likely means stuff like sex, taste buds, all the fun things that elicit pleasure reactions are probably null and void.

It's implied that snacking on people gives pleasure to vampires, but again... what kind of sick f***er thinks it's neat to treat someone like a Slurpee?

Totally not worth alleged immortality. I don't get vamp-heads at all. Much better to become cyborg overlords with access to sophisticated cloning technologies.

That way you can have death rays.