More fun than a sharp stick in the eye

I blew out my knee while sparring on Friday.

In all honesty, I feel I should point out that I'm more than a little bit horrible at sparring. I haven't done any sort of quasi-serious sparring in about twelve years and it's not like riding a bike. Especially after one loses flexibility and all that fun stuff.

At first I thought it was my ankle. It was my ankle that gave way as I lost balance, but Saturday revealed that I probably hyper-extended my knee at some point while trying desperately to kick the black belt(s) who taught me more lessons in humility.

Walking has therefore become a bit of a trial as I have a bit of a limp. It's gotten significantly better today, but I can still feel the twinges.

Friends and family ask me pointedly, multiple times, why in the HELL I'm doing this to myself.

Given my obvious lack of aptitude for this hobby, I have to admit their questions are valid. I'm not sure I know the answer.

I told a kid in class that I'm of the opinion that all martial arts students are inherently masochists on some level (then I had to explain the difference between masochists and sadists, which was a fun conversation that worked out to: "if you've gotten a black belt, you're clearly a sadist as well as a masochist" but that conversation is a bit afield from where I'm at here).

I'm of the opinion that I'm not a masochist (a point debated by family and friends). I don't particularly care for pain. When there's pain involved in a scenario, I'd prefer to be delivering it rather than receiving it. That said, I don't favor scenarios where there's pain delivery. I'd rather not hit or hurt people. I don't like to hurt people.

So why in the hell am I doing this?

Part of it is simple acknowledgement that the world is a dangerous place. Martial arts has taught me how to be more aware of my surroundings and has taught me the first few baby steps on a path of thinking tactically of a situation and how to avoid trouble.

Turns out I do have talent at avoiding dangerous situations. Go me!

Part of it is a desire for control. Physical and mental conditioning is at the core of any martial art. Conditioning leads to muscle memory and reaction training. It helps deal with shock, surprise, and adrenaline overload. It also helps learn how not to hurt someone.

I know that one of the reasons I'm bad at sparring is the obvious one: fear. I'm afraid of getting hurt.

In all honesty, I'm not that afraid of the pain. Not as much as I should be. I've been hurt before and I'll be hurt again in the future. Physical pain is not something I enjoy, but there's worse things out there.

The fear thing kicks in for the flipside of that scenario: I'm afraid of hurting someone else. I don't want to be that guy who accidentally knocks out someone's tooth or breaks a knee or whatever.

Control minimizes that risk, but it's hard to get the control when I'm afraid to test the limits.

There's other reasons I want to continue in this self-destructive hobby: I want the practical skills that come of this. I want to develop some kind of physical confidence and get that sense of centeredness and self-assuredness that I see in practitioners. I want to find a sense of personal balance that I've failed to find elsewhere in life.

And I guess there's the fear motivation. I want to be able to protect myself in a dangerous scenario.

And I'm afraid of failure. That always sucks.

Crazy goddamn hobby. I'd consider switching to knitting, but I know I'd wind up impaling my fingers on those damn needles. Sigh.