Review: The Rings of Akhatenn

EDIT: AAAAAHH!!!! BEWARE! HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!!!!

Apparently, my "invisotext" trick doesn't work on handhelds. SORRY!!!!! /EDIT

Series 7. Episode 7 of "Doctor Who".

Entitled "The Rings of Akhateen"... well... spoilers follow. Highlight to read (I'm trying a trick I can actually replicate):
















































If you asked me what the plot of "The Rings of Akhateen" was, I'd have to tell you I really, honestly, don't know.


Oh, sure, I can tell you what happened, but if there was a point to the story, I couldn't possibly tell you what it is.

The Doctor is still stalking Clara. FSM knows why. He watches Clara's parents get together (funny story, her father gets hit in the face by a leaf, nearly gets hit by a car, and gets saved by her mother. They save the leaf. This is important for some reason).

The Doctor has watched little Clara be born and watched Clara's mother's funeral. He's taken this stalking thing a bit too far.

Fast forward to 2013. He picks up Clara for a spin in the TARDIS. She asks to be taken somewhere cool, so he takes her to the Rings of Akhateen where aliens abound, the TARDIS translation circuit apparently doesn't work properly for Clara, people can breathe in space, and there's some desire by the aliens to sacrifice some little girl to a vampiric god.

Clara, having been inexplicably ditched by the Doctor, winds up helping a little girl who is running away from her people. Turns out she's the Queen of Ages and has to sing a lullaby to the sleeping god or everyone dies.

Needless to say, this goes badly. The god thing wakes up. At first it seems it's a raving monster, but no, it's really a planet sized skull face that eats "souls".

Don't ask.

So the Doctor gives up his memories to the alien god thing but inexplicably retains these memories he's given up and the god thing is unmoved and still ready to snack on everyone. So Clara pops in and offers up the leaf that hit her dad in the face, starting the chain of events that led to her birth.

She calls it the most important leaf in human history. I think the girl's sense of self-importance is a tad inflated. Sure, she's cute, but that's a bit extreme.

For whatever reason, the leaf makes the god thing implode.

There's no logical reason in the story that makes even a remote amount of sense.

Honestly, the entire story made no sense at all. I don't know why I'm bothering to review it.


There were a few good points:

The aliens were cool-ish. The throwaway reference to the Doctor's grand-daughter was cool. The fact that the TARDIS does not appear to like Clara is interesting.

Yeah, that's about it. I'm kind of stretching. This was pretty story but entirely cotton-candy. No substance at all.

There's too many bad points to list. A few highlights:

So the Sonic Screwdriver is powered by the Force. It can lift giant doors and deflect energy bolts from weird, masked, menacing beings. Oh, undefined and inexplicable alien threats are awesome when they're never explained at all. By which I mean they suck. And I hate to break it to anyone, but Clara isn't the center of the universe.



Seriously, Moff! If you have a mystery, you have to seduce the audience with it. Tease us a little and introduce it subtly. This whole Clara story is like some teenage virgins, drunk on cheap beer, getting it on in the back of a car. No seduction, just tawdry crap.


EDIT: I have a request to link to a reply to this post from a reader called "Papabear"./EDIT